The future abuser and the future victim almost always start on equal ground. Mentally that is. The future victim may in fact start off with greater mental strength than the future abuser. Maybe this is the seed that sets in motion the play of events. Sensing that the victim has something superior to the abuser in terms of mental strength, quite often a greater self-control and mental stability, the abuser seeks to topple this frame of mind and gain mental domination. The victim has usually built this strength of mind through focus, hard work and high moral perspectives. The abuser has the relatively lower strength of mind through corresponding lack of focus, laziness and lower moral values. The knowledge of this difference in mental strength gives rise to a feeling of inferiority in the abuser which he or she seeks to address. Being of a weaker strength of mind, the approach the abuser takes is also the incorrect one.
Often in a two way relationship, both parties give and take in relatively equal measure and, there is a balance and development of minds through nurturing each other. There is the mental play of one trying to dominate the other but it is always two-sided and more or less equally distributed so that the net sum is a zero domination relationship. In an abusive relationship, when there is a moment of mental weakness in the victim, at the early stages of the relationship, he or she seeks strength from the abusive partner. The partner provides the necessary support, be it emotional, physical, financial or social. In a normal relationship, this is soon forgotten as both partners in turn seek the other in times of need and neither keeps an account of it. In this way both partners live a more or less balanced relationship. With the abusive partner however, each opportunity that he or she gets to provide mental strength to the victim is registered in the memory of the abuser. Each such instance shifts the abuser's psyche from one of inferiority to one of superiority. Each instance gives the abuser a feeling of satisfaction and power over the victim. Neither does the abuser forget it nor does he let the victim forget it. The victim on the other hand is oblivious to this account keeping, this power play and imbalance in the abuser. The victim does not keep count of the times when he or she provided strength and support to the abuser and believes that the relationship is one of mutual trust and growth.
Slowly the shift in mental strength starts to happen, with the abuser drawing more strength from each instance when he or she has helped the other, and keeping alive the memory of it. He weakens the victim mentally by constant reminder of the good things he has done. Slowly as he senses the mental strength of the other starting to weaken, he starts to get more abusive, increasingly physical and mental. He isolates the victim from others from whom the victim can draw strength. He introduces fear in the mind of the victim. He projects himself as the only hope and sustenance for the victim. The increasing abuse, isolation, fear and occasional balm systematically weakens the victim mentally and physically until she is a near total prisoner and slave of the abuser.
In many cases, this develops into a permanent arrangement with the abuser drawing strength from and feeding on the victim, who withers down, going sometimes to a level beyond which it is not sustainable to go any further and existing in some sort of sub-human state. In many cases being pushed beyond these sustainable limits results in the victim ceasing to exist altogether, with either disease or pain taking away the victim's life. Somewhere along the way, the victim may realize the nature and cause of the situation. In others he or she may not ever do so.
In some cases, the victim reaches a point where the awareness of the nature of the situation arises. The victim at this point may still have sufficient mental and physical strength to do something about it. The earlier the awareness arises the better it is since the chances of breaking free from the abusive cycle are greater. Once the awareness is there, in the victims who have been able to break free, there is a recognition of the instances where the abuser is depleting the victim's mental strength. The victim either chooses to minimize such instances or looks to gain mental strength from other sources thus reducing the dependency on the abuser. Always, the greatest source of mental strength is from within oneself. Irrespective of knowing whether one is being abused or not, to draw from one's own infinite reservoir of strength is the most sustainable approach. Recognizing that I am in no way incomplete as compared to anyone else, knowing that one can be as strong as two, or sometimes even stronger, recognizing that the divine is present in equal measure in all, provides the access to this infinite reservoir of strength. The victim who gains this knowledge and recognition, starts to become stronger and stronger once again. At some point the victim is sufficiently strong to confront the abuser and seek a change in behavior.
If the abuser has, in the meantime, sufficiently developed mentally to recognize that what has happened so far has been wrong, has been a crime, he or she will change to more appropriate behavior that is sustainable and the two will move into a more fruitful and healthy relationship. If on the other hand, the abuser has failed to develop mentally and spiritually as a person, and he or she seeks to continue the present mode of behavior, then it will most likely result in a conflict and breakdown where the now mentally stronger victim will exit the abusive relationship.
This is a situation that is played out in numerous theaters of life, in numerous places and at numerous times. The abuser and victim need not necessarily be one and one's spouse or partner or lover. The abuser can be one's doctor in a medical relationship. The abuser may be one's employer in a working relationship. The abuser may be one's friend in a friendship. The abuser may be one's community in a social relationship. The abuser may be one's government in one's day to day existence. The abuser may be man in his relationship with nature...
Often in a two way relationship, both parties give and take in relatively equal measure and, there is a balance and development of minds through nurturing each other. There is the mental play of one trying to dominate the other but it is always two-sided and more or less equally distributed so that the net sum is a zero domination relationship. In an abusive relationship, when there is a moment of mental weakness in the victim, at the early stages of the relationship, he or she seeks strength from the abusive partner. The partner provides the necessary support, be it emotional, physical, financial or social. In a normal relationship, this is soon forgotten as both partners in turn seek the other in times of need and neither keeps an account of it. In this way both partners live a more or less balanced relationship. With the abusive partner however, each opportunity that he or she gets to provide mental strength to the victim is registered in the memory of the abuser. Each such instance shifts the abuser's psyche from one of inferiority to one of superiority. Each instance gives the abuser a feeling of satisfaction and power over the victim. Neither does the abuser forget it nor does he let the victim forget it. The victim on the other hand is oblivious to this account keeping, this power play and imbalance in the abuser. The victim does not keep count of the times when he or she provided strength and support to the abuser and believes that the relationship is one of mutual trust and growth.
Slowly the shift in mental strength starts to happen, with the abuser drawing more strength from each instance when he or she has helped the other, and keeping alive the memory of it. He weakens the victim mentally by constant reminder of the good things he has done. Slowly as he senses the mental strength of the other starting to weaken, he starts to get more abusive, increasingly physical and mental. He isolates the victim from others from whom the victim can draw strength. He introduces fear in the mind of the victim. He projects himself as the only hope and sustenance for the victim. The increasing abuse, isolation, fear and occasional balm systematically weakens the victim mentally and physically until she is a near total prisoner and slave of the abuser.
In many cases, this develops into a permanent arrangement with the abuser drawing strength from and feeding on the victim, who withers down, going sometimes to a level beyond which it is not sustainable to go any further and existing in some sort of sub-human state. In many cases being pushed beyond these sustainable limits results in the victim ceasing to exist altogether, with either disease or pain taking away the victim's life. Somewhere along the way, the victim may realize the nature and cause of the situation. In others he or she may not ever do so.
In some cases, the victim reaches a point where the awareness of the nature of the situation arises. The victim at this point may still have sufficient mental and physical strength to do something about it. The earlier the awareness arises the better it is since the chances of breaking free from the abusive cycle are greater. Once the awareness is there, in the victims who have been able to break free, there is a recognition of the instances where the abuser is depleting the victim's mental strength. The victim either chooses to minimize such instances or looks to gain mental strength from other sources thus reducing the dependency on the abuser. Always, the greatest source of mental strength is from within oneself. Irrespective of knowing whether one is being abused or not, to draw from one's own infinite reservoir of strength is the most sustainable approach. Recognizing that I am in no way incomplete as compared to anyone else, knowing that one can be as strong as two, or sometimes even stronger, recognizing that the divine is present in equal measure in all, provides the access to this infinite reservoir of strength. The victim who gains this knowledge and recognition, starts to become stronger and stronger once again. At some point the victim is sufficiently strong to confront the abuser and seek a change in behavior.
If the abuser has, in the meantime, sufficiently developed mentally to recognize that what has happened so far has been wrong, has been a crime, he or she will change to more appropriate behavior that is sustainable and the two will move into a more fruitful and healthy relationship. If on the other hand, the abuser has failed to develop mentally and spiritually as a person, and he or she seeks to continue the present mode of behavior, then it will most likely result in a conflict and breakdown where the now mentally stronger victim will exit the abusive relationship.
This is a situation that is played out in numerous theaters of life, in numerous places and at numerous times. The abuser and victim need not necessarily be one and one's spouse or partner or lover. The abuser can be one's doctor in a medical relationship. The abuser may be one's employer in a working relationship. The abuser may be one's friend in a friendship. The abuser may be one's community in a social relationship. The abuser may be one's government in one's day to day existence. The abuser may be man in his relationship with nature...
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